I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
