So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
