I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Come on in and take your pants off
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