Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
