i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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