seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
