How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
