I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
