It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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