I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
