highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
