If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
