i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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