so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
