You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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