I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
