i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
