I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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