you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize