apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
