Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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