my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Come on in and take your pants off
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