Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
