is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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