It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm both gender and math confused
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
