His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
