i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
