booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
