i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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