Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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