Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
