I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
