Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
