Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize