We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
