then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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