I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
