Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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