Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
vagina is talking i cant
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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