Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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