So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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