Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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