I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
