Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
