new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
