i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
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