Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
