I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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