i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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