Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
