And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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