Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize