Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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