i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize