For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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