I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
